


Tra-La, It's May!

by Fox



Category: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-05-13
Updated: 2003-05-13
Packaged: 2017-10-02 22:11:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fox/pseuds/Fox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thirty-one days, thirty-one flavors.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tra-La, It's May!

**Author's Note:**

> I am not now, nor have I ever been, George Lucas.

1.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

"Yes. Do you mind?"

"Not at all. Sorry. Should have knocked."

[the end.]

* * *

2.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

"Should I be?"

"Well, it'll be several days before you'll have another opportunity for any sexual release at all."

"Ah. I see. Better get to it, then."

[the end.]

* * *

3.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

"No. I have this ink stain on my trousers." Obi-Wan showed him the ink stain.

"Ah."

[the end.]

* * *

4.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

Qui-Gon glared and shook his head.

"Not masturbating ... what else could that _be?_ Um ... scattering grain?"

Qui-Gon beamed. "Right!"

Obi-Wan laughed out loud. "Master, have you ever actually scattered grain before domesticated fowl?"

"Well ... no."

"I thought not. I have -- Agricorps, you know. You need more snap in the wrist, and spread it out in a wide arc. Otherwise the birds will kill each other trying to get it."

[the end.]

* * *

5.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

Obi-Wan's eyes rolled up to focus on him. "Was that ... meant ... to be ... a rhetorical question?"

[the end.]

* * *

6.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

"Well, if you'd hurry up and come to bed, I wouldn't need to, would I?"

[the end.]

* * *

7.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

"Sorry. Didn't mean to wake you. I know you're exhausted."

"Don't be silly ..."

[the end.]

* * *

8.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

"Sorry. Didn't mean to wake you."

"I'm _exhausted._"

"I know. I'm sorry. I'll go into the other room, shall I?"

[the end.]

* * *

9.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

"Why else do you think we all wear these cloaks?"

[the end.]

* * *

10.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

"Ssh ... best bit ..." Obi-Wan nodded toward the vid screen, his hands being otherwise occupied.

Qui-Gon's jaw dropped. "Is that -- how are they even --"

"Ah!"

[the end.]

* * *

11.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

"You won't let me date." Obi-Wan crossed his arms and -- good grief, was he pouting? Qui-Gon wished the boy could appreciate the irony.

"Well, then, we need to talk about your doing your own laundry."

[the end.]

* * *

12.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

"I'm three times your age, Obi-Wan; I'm not _dead._"

"How long until she comes back?"

Qui-Gon gritted his teeth and wished his padawan had at least a modicum of shame. "Not bloody soon enough," he said.

[the end.]

* * *

13.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

Obi-Wan bit the heel of his other hand to stifle the involuntary noises he was making. When he had his breathing under control, he crossed his fingers. "No, Master," he called out.

[the end.]

* * *

14.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

Obi-Wan choked on his biscuit. "I beg your pardon?"

"You're leading us on," Qui-Gon said impatiently. "All of us. What sort of game are you padawans playing, anyhow?"

"Oh -- oh, for Force's -- _master baiting_," Obi-Wan gasped.

Qui-Gon looked cross. "That's what I said."

[the end.]

* * *

15.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

"You can do amazing things with the Force, Padawan, if you concentrate."

Obi-Wan turned his face away to hide his grimace, and focused his own Force energy on loosening the ropes around his and his master's wrists and ankles.

[the end.]

* * *

16.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

"Don't know ... what's ... come over me ..."

"Well, stop it. These walls are as thin as parchment."

[the end.]

* * *

17.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

"There's got to be some evidence of ... activity, doesn't there," Obi-Wan said coldly. "I've no wish to inconvenience you, but I've no wish to be executed in the morning, either."

[the end.]

* * *

18.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

"No."

"Don't lie to me."

"I wasn't, I swear. I swear!"

His protests fell on deaf ears. He shut his eyes before the first lash fell.

[the end.]

* * *

19.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

"No. Have a little patience, will you? I'll be out in a minute."

[the end.]

* * *

20.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

"How'd you guess?" There was silence on the line for a moment. "Are you?"

[the end.]

* * *

21.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

"No --"

"In your own room, I mean, when you're alone and --"

"No!" Obi-Wan was plainly horrified. "Why would you --"

"All right, all right, I'm sorry I asked." Qui-Gon puffed air through his cheeks. "It's just very unusual for a boy your age to have no sex drive of any kind, that's all."

[the end.]

* * *

22.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

"You tend to your affairs, and I'll tend to mine."

"But my affairs could be your affairs!" Obi-Wan sobbed, leaning against the door. "I want you so badly, and I know you want --"

"Silence!" Obi-Wan tried his best to keep silent. When Qui-Gon spoke again, his voice was not as harsh. "You know the Code, Padawan. We will not speak of it again." Another pause. "I'm sorry."

[the end.]

* * *

23.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

"I was just scratching this itch on my leg --"

Obi-Wan snorted. "Right. Well, don't let me stop you."

[the end.]

* * *

24.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

There was no response, but Qui-Gon hadn't been dreaming; Obi-Wan was definitely moving against him, though he was clearly still asleep.

"Obi-Wan ... Obi-Wan. Wake up. What are you doing?"

Obi-Wan rocked his hips twice more before his eyes flew open and his face crumpled in horror. "I'm so sorry," he began.

Qui-Gon placed a finger over his lips. "Shh, no, it's all right. You just surprised me, is all."

[the end.]

* * *

25.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

"Go away."

"But that's wonderful!" Obi-Wan took two steps into the room, but stopped short when Qui-Gon pinned him with a glare that could freeze lava. "They didn't think you'd ever have sensation below the waist, but --" Qui-Gon snarled. "All right. I'll go."

[the end.]

* * *

26.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

"We have an _hour_ before we have to leave. I'll be ready in plenty of time."

[the end.]

* * *

27.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

Suddenly, on the other side of the door, Qui-Gon was very quiet. "Is your friend still with you?"

"No. Can I come in?"

"I'm sorry, Padawan; I've tried to ignore --"

"Master. Please." Obi-Wan pressed his palm flat to the door. "Will you let me in?"

[the end.]

* * *

28.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

Qui-Gon turned to look at his padawan, and rolled his eyes and sighed at the leer on the boy's face. "You," he said, as Obi-Wan dissolved into giggles, "are not permitted to touch Correllian brandy again while we are sharing quarters. Is that clear?"

[the end.]

* * *

29.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

"That's what he said. I think we can safely assume something got lost in translation somewhere."

[the end.]

* * *

30.  
"Are you _masturbating_?"

"Yes, of course I -- what?"

"Hah. Thought so. Pay attention, please. This is important."

[the end.]

* * *

31.  
"Are you _masturbating_?" There was no explicit answer, but Qui-Gon could hear heavy breathing and the sound of skin sliding against skin.

Sounded like it could be two people's heavy breathing, actually.

"Or do you have someone in there with you?"

Still no answer.

"Well, be sure to clean up when you're through," he said.

[the end.]

**Author's Note:**

> I'll tell you -- sometimes I perplex even myself.
> 
> What happened was this: at least last May, or possibly the May before that, our resident gauntlet-hurler, the lovely Emu, suggested a prompt for Merry Month fics, that being the opening line "Are you _masturbating_?" Either the challenge was issued on irc, or we were talking about it on irc a bit afterward, because I had (but, alas, I have no longer) bits of chatlogs in which someone -- it may even have been me -- suggested that someone write a fic following this prompt for each day of the month. Whoever was responsible for creating this idea, I jumped at it, and within moments had written four such fics. They were short -- okay, they were very short -- but they amused me, and it looked like I was on to something.
> 
> Then I saved the file and didn't touch it again for at least a year. Maybe two.
> 
> Anyway, just this evening, I was thinking, "Hmm, I haven't had anything to do for four days, and I don't have anything on my schedule for another two days, and I'm getting awfully cabin-feverish, here ... I wonder what I have on my hard drive that I could polish up, fic-wise?" Well, I have this Sentinel thing that's been languishing for at least a year, which I keep meaning to come back to and which got a shot in the arm not long ago from the enthusiasm of someone reading it for the first time. And I have this Due South thing that seems to be spinning its wheels. And I have these two Harry Potter things, each of which is going to require me to open a vein. Oh, and I have MD part 11, which is sitting there half done and has to be finished before I can even think of moving on to part 12. "I know!" I said to myself. "Instead of working on any one of these more serious projects, I'll write twenty-seven more short-shorts and finish the MMOM thing."
> 
> So I did. Here they are. They owe a smidgin of a debt, I suppose, to Mr. David Ives, whose short play "Sure Thing" deals with the same conversation happening over and over again and rarely making any forward progress (this, in its turn, bearing a superficial resemblance to the movie "Groundhog Day"). I was going to rearrange them into some related order, but I decided instead to present them in the order in which they were written. Except for going back and taking out the names of the irc chat-room participants, I haven't changed a thing.


End file.
